How To Start A Conversation


Many of us find starting a conversation with a stranger difficult.
According to Don Gabor, author of “How To Start A Conversation and Make Friends,” it is as if there is an “invisible barrier” that keeps us from walking up to someone and striking up a conversation.
Some people can break through this barrier and start the next step, but too many of us tend not to connect and stand on the sidelines, isolated and alone, watching others make a new business contact or get a date with an attractive stranger.
The good news is, you can master the art of starting a conversation and it’s easier than you think.
Gabor says that one of the best ways to overcome conversational hesitancy is to think of some possible things to talk about before you go to that party or business networking meeting.
The topics you choose for possible conversation should be determined by the nature of the situation.
If you’re planning to attend a party where you already know some of the people, Gabor suggests considering about a half a dozen topics, including family, work, social life and hobbies. If you don’t know anyone, it’s better not to start with family and current events, Gabor advises. Start with talking about hobbies and interests. It’s also wise to refrain from talking about personal problems with strangers.
Regardless of the nature of the gathering, there are some topics to almost always avoid. Among these are sex, politics and religion.
One of the best ways to launch a conversation is to ask questions such as:
How do you know our host?
Do you work in the neighborhood?
Anything new or exciting happening?
How was you day?
Gabor says this is one of the best conversation starters.
In addition to asking questions, be willing to share information about yourself. “There should be a 50-50 balance of sharing information,” Gabor says.
Once you’ve got the conversation started a great way to keep it going, or more importantly, take it to a deeper level, is to listen for what Gabor calls “free information.”
“They will reveal this information by the way the answer the questions or the things they mention along the way,” Gabor says. “This free information, tells you what they want to talk about.”
It is also important to realize that a conversation is more than gathering a collection of facts about someone.
“It’s the feelings behind the facts that are important,” Gabor says. “What people are really looking for is connections and more meaningful relationships on a personal or professional level.”
And if you’re concerned that you lack the verbal skills or charisma to be an interesting conversationalist, take heart.
A survey on conversation (“Conversations That Matter”) conducted by Grand Marnier, determined that the most highly valued trait is being a good listener. Being charming was a distant fifth.
So don’t worry about impressing someone. In fact, trying too hard to impress by bragging about yourself is a turn-off.
But the biggest conversational mistake is not starting.
“People are afraid of saying the wrong thing and of offending,” Gabor says. “When they are unsure, they tend not to take the risk of talking with someone.”
He adds that there is a framework for starting conversations and most of us already know it. “If you show interest in other people and a desire to listen and connect with them about things that matter to them, your business and personal relationships will improve.”
Don Gabor is the author of several books, including “Words That Win: What To Say To Get What You Want.”
Want to learn more? Get the free tip sheet “50 Ways To Improve Your Conversation.”
Send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to Don Gabor, P.O. Box 715, Brooklyn, NY 11215.