REDUCE STRESS by KILLING THE SHOULD MONSTER
Guest Article

Reduce Stress - Shed Your "Shoulds"
By Pat Samples


Living with a Should Monster? A Should Monster is that critical nagging voice that repeatedly tells you that you should be doing a better job as a caregiver. It could be a replay of the voice of your spouse, relative, or friend, or it could be your own self-critic who’s creating merciless “should” lists for you.

See if these sound familiar:

“I should be a lot more patient.”

“I should be able to manage by myself.”

“I shouldn’t complain; other people have it worse.”


Such unrealistic and demanding “shoulds” pile on the stress. For example, the more you criticize yourself for not being patient enough, the more tense you’ll likely feel, making you less patient with others. It might be comforting to realize that even Mother Theresa was known to be fairly testy with those around her, despite her great love and care for suffering people.

The next time you hear yourself saying, “I should,” ask yourself three questions:

1) Is it true?

Is it true that you “should” be able to manage by yourself? Pioneers in the Old West had to get by on their own because no one else was around for miles, but this lone ranger philosophy isn’t “true” today, and it can cost you your health.

Is it true you shouldn’t complain? “Whining” may not win friends, but pretending that you’re not hurting when the going gets rough may leave you feeling discouraged, lonely, and even depressed. And though your pain is less than someone else’s, it still hurts. Telling someone in a straightforward way that you’re honestly struggling may open the way for receiving the kind of help people genuinely want to give.

2) How would my stress level change if I didn’t have that thought?

If you didn’t demand greater patience of yourself, for example, maybe you’d feel less pressure on yourself—and actually feel like being more patient.

3) Whose thought is it?

Does your “should” come directly from your merciless Should Monster? Say “No thank you” or “I don’t buy that” to your inner critic.

Is your “should” based on your own sincere beliefs? Then why not turn it from a should statement to a free choice by saying “I will” or “I’m willing” instead. For example, “I’ll do my best to be more patient (and my best is good enough!)” or “I’m willing to manage by myself.”

Then check again, and see if the new statement rings true and if it lowers your stress. If not, then make a new choice such as “I’m willing to have help and I’ll ask around until I get it.” By taking charge of your thoughts, you can stop feeling pushed by your Should Monster and instead become inspired by goals that reflect your own free choice.

Pat Samples is the author of Daily Comforts for Caregivers and Self-Care for Caregivers and an international speaker who helps family caregivers find peace of mind. Learn more at [http://www.agingandcaregiving.com/]http://www.agingandcaregiving.com.